A man walks into a bar...

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

"Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

Commitment

At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment."

An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent.

A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

Tourist drives her car into croc-infested East Alligator River - www.eturbonews.com

15 July 2009

A WOMAN from NSW drove her car into a croc-infested river on the fringe of Kakadu National Park after confusing a boat ramp for a road crossing. Her four-wheel-drive became submerged in the East Alligator River, about 300 kilometres east of Darwin, last Thursday. The mishap has prompted police to issue a warning about the “number and size of crocodiles” in remote NT waterways, and the need for drivers to take extra care in the outback. Police from the remote community of Oenpelli were contacted about 9am (CST) on July 10. They were told the tourist had scrambled from the sinking vehicle and made her way out of the croc-infested waterway. ”She managed to get out of the car once she realised she had gone the wrong way and her car was going to sink,” an NT police spokeswoman said. ”She did have to wade through the water but she didn't have to swim.” The woman had mistaken the boat ramp for Cahill's Crossing, which cars use to cross the East Alligator River and move between Kakadu and Arnhem Land. A team of rangers and police officers was immediately organised to remove the white Troop Carrier, which had become surrounded by crocs near the down stream boat ramp. Photographs of the 4WD recovery, released by NT police, show a large reptile in the water only metres from the vehicle. ”When they did the recovery they did spot crocs in the area and I believe that's (one of them) in the photograph,” the spokeswoman said. A local government grader was used in the rescue of the car, as well as support from a boat used by Kakadu Park Rangers. ”Jabiru and Oenpelli police along with park rangers coordinated the recovery of the vehicle and animal control,” a police statement said. Brevet Sergeant Ben Higgins said the lucky escape should act as a warning to people about the dangers of bush driving. ”When travelling through the NT it's their responsibility to research the area and be aware of the extreme road conditions, especially that of remote areas,” he said. ”All water crossings should be considered extremely dangerous and exceptional care should be taken to avoid similar incidents such as these, especially considering the number and size of crocodiles that inhabit remote water ways.”

Student brings live alligator on to train - chroniclelive.co.uk

15 July 2009

CUSTOMS officials making a routine check on a train travelling from Sweden to Norway were stunned to discover a live alligator onboard.

The 75cm reptile was hidden in a tube inside a well-ventilated bag and was found to be the pet of a 22-year-old student who had been studying in Poland and just wanted to take the pet home to his native Norway. Vets will now decide the alligator’s fate.

It’s not the first time people have tried to smuggle unusual animals from one country to another. Last year Australian customs officials uncovered a package on its way to Sydney which contained five pythons and two venomous tarantulas.

Also last year, two cheeky 11-year-olds smuggled four baby tortoises back from their holidays in Tunisia. Customs officials in the holiday resort, and back in Edinburgh airport all missed the reptiles, and they were only discovered by the children’s mums when they unpacked their cases.

Croc lays 35 eggs without mating - articles.timesofindia

14 July 2009

KENDRAPADA: In a wonder of wonders, a 34-year old rare albino crocodile recently laid 35 infertile eggs without mating at Dangamal in the Bhitarkanika National Park here.

"The albino crocodile called Gori laid eggs without mating with any male crocodile. The reptile resides in a pen and the biology of reptiles reveal grown up female crocodiles rarely lay infertile eggs during the mating period in the rainy season. The same thing happened six years ago. Gori is now fiercely guarding her eggs and is under the wrong impression that hatchlings will emerge soon. Forest officials will collect some of the infertile eggs to examine the breeding mechanism and rearing centre within the park," forest range officer of Bhitarkanika National Park Durga Charana Sahoo said.

"Gori is now a full grown female crocodile and needs a male partner. Thrice earlier forest officials arranged partners for her but she rejected all the wild male crocodiles," Sahoo added.

The real hazard -by Gary Patterson

Can be bought at www.allposters.com

Australian floods wash crocodiles into streets -uk.news.yahoo.com

Floods ravaging northern Australia have washed crocodiles onto the streets, where one was hit by a car, authorities said in a warning to residents Wednesday.Skip related content

More than 60 percent of the vast northeastern state of Queensland has been declared a disaster area, and flooding after two recent cyclones has affected almost 3,000 homes, they said.

The army has been called in to help with rescue and recovery efforts, while three reports of large crocodiles washed up from flooded rivers have come in from homes in the Gulf of Carpentaria region.

"I'm not sure if it's the same crocodile moving around -- on the three sides of Normanton there's been a large croc seen right up close to the water's edge," said mayor Joyce Zahner.

"Hopefully he'll stay in the water and the kids will stay on the land," Zahner told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

A crocodile measuring 1.6 metres (5.3 feet) long was run over by a car on a street in the city of Townsville on Tuesday, wildlife rangers said.

The croc lost a few teeth and suffered bruising but was receiving medical attention, they said.

Four Chinese tourists were rescued after their camper van was swept from a remote causeway in far northern Queensland into high waters, police said.

None of the group, which included a 75-year-old, could swim and they huddled on the vehicle's roof for more than an hour before being winched to safety suffering mild hypothermia.

In the worst flood-affected town of Ingham 2,900 homes were hit, including 50 which were totally swamped, emergency authorities said.

Dozens of people had been evacuated to emergency accommodation in a nearby school as more than 360 millimetres (14 inches) of rain fell in the 24 hours from Tuesday morning.

The damage bill is estimated at 110 million dollars (76 million US) and growing, said Neil Roberts, Queensland state's emergency services minister.

"But we won't really know the full extent of the damage until the water subsides, so that figure could double, it could treble," he said, adding that it was the worst flooding he had seen in the area in 30 years.

Fresh food supplies were flown into the westerly townships of Normanton and Karumba, which had been cut off by flood waters for a number of days.

The region is bracing for further floods, with a tropical low pressure system threatening to develop into a cyclone about 150 kilometres (93 miles) off Queensland's north coast, forecasters said.

"The conditions -- as far as meteorological conditions are concerned -- are quite favourable for the system to once again develop into a tropical cyclone," a weather bureau spokesman said.

The floods came amid a record once-in-a-century heatwave in south-eastern Australia, in which 29 houses were razed by major wildfires and up to 35 people died.

Meteorologists have warned the extreme temperatures and downpours -- a common feature of Australian summers -- would only increase as a result of climate change.