A man walks into a bar...

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:

"Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

Commitment

At an army training camp in Florida, the Seargent is giving a talk: "The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and this is what I call commitment."

An alligator came in the room and bit the seargents penis. It stayed there for about a 10 seconds then the seargent poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

"Now who's ready to show their commitment?" said the Seargent.

A man put his hand up and said "I will, but promise you won't poke me in the eyes."

Tourist drives her car into croc-infested East Alligator River - www.eturbonews.com

15 July 2009

A WOMAN from NSW drove her car into a croc-infested river on the fringe of Kakadu National Park after confusing a boat ramp for a road crossing. Her four-wheel-drive became submerged in the East Alligator River, about 300 kilometres east of Darwin, last Thursday. The mishap has prompted police to issue a warning about the “number and size of crocodiles” in remote NT waterways, and the need for drivers to take extra care in the outback. Police from the remote community of Oenpelli were contacted about 9am (CST) on July 10. They were told the tourist had scrambled from the sinking vehicle and made her way out of the croc-infested waterway. ”She managed to get out of the car once she realised she had gone the wrong way and her car was going to sink,” an NT police spokeswoman said. ”She did have to wade through the water but she didn't have to swim.” The woman had mistaken the boat ramp for Cahill's Crossing, which cars use to cross the East Alligator River and move between Kakadu and Arnhem Land. A team of rangers and police officers was immediately organised to remove the white Troop Carrier, which had become surrounded by crocs near the down stream boat ramp. Photographs of the 4WD recovery, released by NT police, show a large reptile in the water only metres from the vehicle. ”When they did the recovery they did spot crocs in the area and I believe that's (one of them) in the photograph,” the spokeswoman said. A local government grader was used in the rescue of the car, as well as support from a boat used by Kakadu Park Rangers. ”Jabiru and Oenpelli police along with park rangers coordinated the recovery of the vehicle and animal control,” a police statement said. Brevet Sergeant Ben Higgins said the lucky escape should act as a warning to people about the dangers of bush driving. ”When travelling through the NT it's their responsibility to research the area and be aware of the extreme road conditions, especially that of remote areas,” he said. ”All water crossings should be considered extremely dangerous and exceptional care should be taken to avoid similar incidents such as these, especially considering the number and size of crocodiles that inhabit remote water ways.”

Student brings live alligator on to train - chroniclelive.co.uk

15 July 2009

CUSTOMS officials making a routine check on a train travelling from Sweden to Norway were stunned to discover a live alligator onboard.

The 75cm reptile was hidden in a tube inside a well-ventilated bag and was found to be the pet of a 22-year-old student who had been studying in Poland and just wanted to take the pet home to his native Norway. Vets will now decide the alligator’s fate.

It’s not the first time people have tried to smuggle unusual animals from one country to another. Last year Australian customs officials uncovered a package on its way to Sydney which contained five pythons and two venomous tarantulas.

Also last year, two cheeky 11-year-olds smuggled four baby tortoises back from their holidays in Tunisia. Customs officials in the holiday resort, and back in Edinburgh airport all missed the reptiles, and they were only discovered by the children’s mums when they unpacked their cases.

Croc lays 35 eggs without mating - articles.timesofindia

14 July 2009

KENDRAPADA: In a wonder of wonders, a 34-year old rare albino crocodile recently laid 35 infertile eggs without mating at Dangamal in the Bhitarkanika National Park here.

"The albino crocodile called Gori laid eggs without mating with any male crocodile. The reptile resides in a pen and the biology of reptiles reveal grown up female crocodiles rarely lay infertile eggs during the mating period in the rainy season. The same thing happened six years ago. Gori is now fiercely guarding her eggs and is under the wrong impression that hatchlings will emerge soon. Forest officials will collect some of the infertile eggs to examine the breeding mechanism and rearing centre within the park," forest range officer of Bhitarkanika National Park Durga Charana Sahoo said.

"Gori is now a full grown female crocodile and needs a male partner. Thrice earlier forest officials arranged partners for her but she rejected all the wild male crocodiles," Sahoo added.

The real hazard -by Gary Patterson

Can be bought at www.allposters.com

Australian floods wash crocodiles into streets -uk.news.yahoo.com

Floods ravaging northern Australia have washed crocodiles onto the streets, where one was hit by a car, authorities said in a warning to residents Wednesday.Skip related content

More than 60 percent of the vast northeastern state of Queensland has been declared a disaster area, and flooding after two recent cyclones has affected almost 3,000 homes, they said.

The army has been called in to help with rescue and recovery efforts, while three reports of large crocodiles washed up from flooded rivers have come in from homes in the Gulf of Carpentaria region.

"I'm not sure if it's the same crocodile moving around -- on the three sides of Normanton there's been a large croc seen right up close to the water's edge," said mayor Joyce Zahner.

"Hopefully he'll stay in the water and the kids will stay on the land," Zahner told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

A crocodile measuring 1.6 metres (5.3 feet) long was run over by a car on a street in the city of Townsville on Tuesday, wildlife rangers said.

The croc lost a few teeth and suffered bruising but was receiving medical attention, they said.

Four Chinese tourists were rescued after their camper van was swept from a remote causeway in far northern Queensland into high waters, police said.

None of the group, which included a 75-year-old, could swim and they huddled on the vehicle's roof for more than an hour before being winched to safety suffering mild hypothermia.

In the worst flood-affected town of Ingham 2,900 homes were hit, including 50 which were totally swamped, emergency authorities said.

Dozens of people had been evacuated to emergency accommodation in a nearby school as more than 360 millimetres (14 inches) of rain fell in the 24 hours from Tuesday morning.

The damage bill is estimated at 110 million dollars (76 million US) and growing, said Neil Roberts, Queensland state's emergency services minister.

"But we won't really know the full extent of the damage until the water subsides, so that figure could double, it could treble," he said, adding that it was the worst flooding he had seen in the area in 30 years.

Fresh food supplies were flown into the westerly townships of Normanton and Karumba, which had been cut off by flood waters for a number of days.

The region is bracing for further floods, with a tropical low pressure system threatening to develop into a cyclone about 150 kilometres (93 miles) off Queensland's north coast, forecasters said.

"The conditions -- as far as meteorological conditions are concerned -- are quite favourable for the system to once again develop into a tropical cyclone," a weather bureau spokesman said.

The floods came amid a record once-in-a-century heatwave in south-eastern Australia, in which 29 houses were razed by major wildfires and up to 35 people died.

Meteorologists have warned the extreme temperatures and downpours -- a common feature of Australian summers -- would only increase as a result of climate change.

Proof that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From 1. and 2. we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Missing Sydney man Teodor Mastihuba eaten by crocodile - news.com.au

January 12, 2008

A MAN who left his home in Sydney's northwest with only a briefcase was probably eaten by a crocodile at a remote Western Australia gorge.

The bizarre case of Teodor Mastihuba has been a mystery for 25 years but police are now trying to piece together how the photography shop owner made it from Marsfield to Emma Gorge.

His flatmate reported him missing in September 1983 when he failed to turn up for work but the trail went cold until a man known only as Chris found Mr Mastihuba's Czechoslovakian passport next to a makeshift shelter at the gorge in August 1998.

Detective Senior Constable Scott Tindale is investigating Mr Mastihuba's disappearance for the coroner.

"There was reported to be a man-made shelter (at Emma Gorge), the items were a Czech passport, a Czechoslovakian driver's licence, some shoes and a couple of photographs," he said.

"We suspect he is more than likely deceased. We have reports that Emma Gorge is infested with crocodiles.

"Investigating police (in WA) are of the opinion he has either taken his own life or has been taken by a crocodile."

Police are unsure how Mr Mastihuba made it to WA. He owned a 1971 Volkswagen but it was never correctly registered with the RTA.

His complicated life story has begun to emerge during the investigation. He migrated to Australia in 1968 and opened a photographic shop.

Interpol has tracked down Mr Mastihuba's ex-wife and son Milan, who is now aged about 50.

He had not heard from his father since was aged nine, when his father left what was then Czechoslovakia.

"They have not heard or had any correspondence since he emigrated in 1968," Sen-Constable Tindale said.

He said Mr Mastihuba's flatmate Leo Lewis, who lived with him in Crimea Rd and saw him leave home with his briefcase, and his two employees at the photographic shop might be able to help piece together the mystery.

Sen-Constable Tindale stressed Mr Lewis and the workers were not suspects and that the disappearance was not considered suspicious.

Crocodile balm ready to cure the world‘s ills - weekendpost.co.za

10 January 2008

PORT Elizabeth entrepreneur John Sweet is no snake-oil salesman and he says his home-made, natural-remedy balm comprising mostly oil from the fat of another slithery reptile, the crocodile, is proof.

For John and his wife Julie, who moved to Schoenmakerskop from the UK in 1995, the popularity of their product – appropriately called Repcillin – which they started off testing on friends three years ago, is mind-blowing.

Fast becoming a world-wide hit sold in stores ranging from pharmacies to US beauty salons and Scandinavian corner shops, Dr Croc products – the company‘s name – are in hot demand, despite being derived from a rather unusual source.

But sales have not been without controversy, with researchers publicly questioning the “healing powers” of the product. They say so little research has been conducted into the benefits of crocodile fat that no one really knows what it can do.

But for Sweet, 62, the proof is in the product‘s popularity.

“Even though it (crocodile fat) hasn‘t been tested, we know it works and it‘s a natural product,” said the Welshman who trained in London as a fashion photographer and later worked for a news agency in Tunbridge Wells.

“If it didn‘t work, our business wouldn‘t have expanded the way it had.”

Over the past three years more than 25000 tubs of the skin balm – which comes in 50g to 250g tubs, costing from R253 to R1200, depending on the size – have flown off shelves at stores and in online sales.

So popular has the product been that the company has expanded its range to now include soaps, sprays, bath oils and beauty serums. Sweet says the latter is becoming popular in the US beauty industry, despite its price tag of $150 (about R1400) per 50ml bottle.

The couple have now opened a factory shop at their Schoenmakerskop depot, which offers a wider range of products at a discount for local customers.

It all started when Sweet, a former horse-racing analyst and race tipster, had his interest piqued after seeing a BBC documentary on the internet which was filmed in Australia and detailed the miraculous healing powers of crocodile products.

“I wondered if crocodiles‘ strong healing properties were also present in their fat,” Sweet explained. “When I looked it up, I found it was used as far back as Cleopatra‘s times when she used to beautify herself with it.”

He then contacted one of the researchers involved in the documentary, herpetologist Adam Britton, who has since tested crocodile blood in an attempt to isolate elements for possible treatment of HIV and Aids.

“After speaking to Britton, I contacted a crocodile farm in Limpopo,” said Sweet. “It‘s the only farm in South Africa registered with the Convention of International Trade of Endangered Species (Cites) and is able to commercially farm them and sell their meat and by-products.”

After buying a small sample of crocodile fat from the farm, Sweet went about rendering it into an oil.

“It was just an oil and we tested it here on people in Schoenies and I found it was healing all sorts of things, from acne to athletes foot,” he said.

The product is also said to help cure eczema, cold sores, blisters, ring worm and sun spots or solar keratosis. And it cures mange in dogs and is described as “ideal for horse wounds”.

After enlisting the help of a local herbalist who converted the oil into a balm and added essential oils such as vitamin E and omega, word of mouth sales of the product saw it go from being sold at just one local pharmacy to more than 700 around the country. “Tourists started buying it and taking it abroad and word of mouth spread there too,” said Sweet.

“So now we have distributors in the UK, the US, New Zealand, Scandinavia and Namibia.”